LOVEY-DOVEY PRATTLES OF AN UNDERGROUND DOCTOR, II
Yah, Celty. Sorry to have kept you waiting.
I got caught up in things.
It looks like you're chatting. Is it OK for me to interrupt? That's the chatroom Celty likes to go to every day, right? That Saika kid with the glasses is in that chatroom as well, isn't she?
Alas. Out of nowhere Shizuo brought a boy covered in blood to our place.
Looks like they were in a fight.
Still, it's been forever since he bothered to bring anyone he had injured to my place.
Since high school, to be exact. That was back when I knew little more than how to do first aid and apply bandages. You were working, I think?
I didn't talk to you all that much about what was happening in high school. It was mostly just fighting, though.
Because Shizuo and Izaya have been fighting like cat and dog from the moment they set eyes on each other.
Though it's probably more accurate to say vampire and werewolf.
Speaking of which, have you seen real vampires or werewolves, Celty?
So there are many kinds of vampires and werewolves out there.
But you haven't seen any vampires after you came to Japan? I figured so.
Still, Celty, you're probably the most extraordinary thing in Japan yourself.
……But you're scared of Little Gray Men?
What, Celty? Celty?
Don't tell me you're still convinced that the Little Gray Men were the reason the dinosaurs went extinct?
No, no, Celty. The photon belt is not an enormous living thing. [The photon belt might eat us all up]? I've never even heard that sentence before.
No no no! How on earth would people come from the 4th dimension that easily?
Think about it! You know how hard Yumasaki-kun tries to go to the 2D world? Yet he hasn't succeeded. Therefore 4D people will never be able to come to our 3D world either. Everything's fine! ……You're scared of tesseracts from the 4th dimension? Have you been reading Dokyouboshi*? Don't confuse manga with the reality!
* Dokyouboshi: a 2000 manga by Yamada Yoshihiro. The astronauts battle a tesseract (4D hypercube with three-dimensional shadow), which destroys the first spaceship humans have been able to send to Mars.
I just don't get it. Celty, you're not afraid of ghosts or fairies, but aliens freak you out like nothing else. But then, I think there was this TV special where there were so few people who believed in ghosts but not Venusians that they couldn't even set up debate teams with equal numbers of participants.
……Yes? What did that TV special make you think of?
Calm down. Prophecies are nothing to be scared of!
Look, nothing happened in 1999, right? So 2012 is going to be fine too!
Speaking of which, Celty, you did say in June 1999 that you were wondering if your lost head was the root of all evil on earth.
Eh? The calendar of the Mayans ends in the year 2012?
Hang on, when do you want the Mayans' calendar to end then?
3000 years later? Or half a billion years?
How much work do you want to make the Mayans do? Do you even know how hard it is for the Mayans to make just one year of their calendar? Ah, I don't know either, of course.
Look, the calendar on my notebook ends in the year 2009, too.
……Celty, don't tell me you're scared of the year 2009.
Ever thought of the possibility that the world would end before 2012 in a nuclear war or a meteor impact?
Had the prophecy been made around 1800, people would just rejoice and go "Lucky! The world won't end till 2012, so not in my lifetime!", wouldn't they? Though most people would probably ignore it.
That's what I'm saying. What those so-called "prophets" are good at doing is in fact just exaggerating rumors to frighten people. Though I'm not saying there are no real prophets among them.
For instance……consider Izaya.
He's sort of like a prophet, isn't he?
Isn't he always saying mysterious things as if he could read your mind?
He'll appear like a ghost every time something happens, and act as if everything's happening in the exact way he has expected - but he is actually as clueless as everyone else beforehand. Everything is obvious with the benefit of hindsight.
Just like those self-proclaimed prophets, all he does is talk about things that have already happened as if he had expected them long in advance. What's unusual about Orihara Izaya is that he can make such talks very convincing.
If you analyze his talks with a cool head, they probably won't be enough to take you in…….but he'll always make sure to arrive on the scene at the best time and say the worst possible thing into your ear, so that you can't help but be unnerved.
If Izaya were to debut as a prophet on television, he'd get pretty high ratings.
Of course, when his following has reached a certain size, he would probably get tired of it, toss out a big prophecy such as "Japan is going to be submerged" and simply disappear into the commotion it would cause.
He was already good at coaxing and cajoling back when we were still in school.
Rather than "tricking" or "deceiving", I'd rather say he's good at coaxing. So good that it's almost a waste.
Really, my high school days were ruined thanks to those two. Shizuo was violent and Izaya was shady as hell, so no girls were willing to approach us. Not that I wanted any other girl when I was already living with Celty, of course.
Anyway, the point is, never believe a word Izaya says. Unlike those self-proclaimed prophets, there's not even an once of good will in his words. But then, his lies aren't any more palatable even if he says them with good will.
Eh? What if I am the real prophet who can foresee the end of the world?
……I had intended that entire speech to convey the idea "Rather than worry about prophecies you should be afraid of that Izaya in your reality". Is that message being completely ignored?
That makes me kind of sad. Though that's one of the many things that make you adorable, Celty.
If I had the ability to foresee the future, and if the end of the world could be prevented if mankind tried, I would go out and earn about ten billion yen in gambling, then invest in stocks and earn such a fortune that the world would be convinced that I really had the ability to see the future - and then I would be able to make them do something to prevent the world from ending. If the world would end in three days I'd simply give up hold Celty tightly in my arms instead!
……This is strange, Celty. You're supposed to be deeply touched by my words and flying into my arms right now.
But then, if there really are prophets who can foresee the future, it'll be equivalent to having a time machine, won't it? Because what they do is effectively channeling information from the future to the present.
Celty, don't tell me you're scared because you're thinking about A.I. disasters - pretty please?
My, my. Celty, you're such a strong girl but you're always in such a panic whenever aliens are mentioned. That's just too cute.
…………Eh? Why are you not pinching me in the cheek or stabbing me with your shadow or something?
Look, I'm not a masochist. But I do worry about you when you don't go a little violent on me like you always do……
"I calmed down. Thank you."……?
Sounds like you really were scared.
Come here, cry all you want in my arms. After that we'll go to bed so I can comfort you with pillow talk ah that hurts that hurts, I see you're back to normal at last ahhhhh that hurts!!! That really hurts……
My, that really hurt a lot. But I can't be happier to see that you're back to normal.
Ah, by the way, I'm not a skeptic when it comes to psychic phenomena. I actually believe in them.
Because I have you, Celty, you're a living miracle in front of my eyes.
I said you were "extraordinary". I'd like to correct that.
You're not a fairy, not a demon, much less a ghost.
You're a miracle of love!
I don't care whether you're a fairy, a devil or even an angel.
They say you can "Smell fruit at the first blossom", but to me, the better proverb for you is "Smell honey at the first rays of sunshine through the canopy". You've been attractive to me ever since the first day we met! I didn't know it would become requited, of course!
Ahhh, this is just horrible timing!
Sorry, Celty. Looks like the kid Shizuo brought here has just waken up.
I have to explain to him what happened lest there be an uproar.
Huhhh……sorry to have kept you waiting.
He's already walking on his feet, so I let him leave. He should get his skull examined more carefully since it was Shizuo who beat him up, so I introduced him to another underground doctor with the proper instrument.
It's just so inconvenient when you don't have the instruments for examination. Good thing that I got to know that doctor from Father's colleagues last month.
Speaking of which, I understand that I do charge him on the cheap side, but Shizuo totally relies too much on my services.
Is he mistaking my love nest with Celty for some kind of Red Cross tent?
My, my. Isn't it just rude of him to compare normal doctors to underground doctors like me?
Speaking of which, do you recall ever having been in a war, Celty?
Even if you do they're extremely vague? That's what I figured.
Those memories are probably with the head? ……No, Celty. Don't tell me you're thinking about looking for the head again.
Though it's unlikely that we'll be in a war any time soon if we keep living in this city.
People say that we Japanese are too used to peace. I'm grateful, though, since that's why I can spend such quiet days with Celty.
Still, I have no idea how long the peace will last. That's why we should work on cultivating our love right now!
Why not just continue where we left off that hurts that hurts that hurts that hurts, that hurts! Really! Why are you performing a double armlock on me with your shadowwwwwwwwww gehhhh! Gehhhhhhh……!